Booze, Bugs and Bastards! Oh my!

Apologies for the delay since my last post - when you are travelling, it is natural for the unexpected and unfortunate to occur in equal amounts, and over the last two weeks, there has been plenty of both indeed. The unfortunate has mostly involved my SWEAT. You know, i actually never knew your forearms could sweat. My KNEES are even sweating. I would be quite amazed and interested by this phenomenon if it didnt horrify me and the many others so much. ANYWAY, you've heard enough about sweat i should imagine, as have the poor people im travelling with, so lets get to it.

So, we last left off at the Full Moon Bash. What a party. When we arrived in Ko Phangan, we had no idea what to expect. I imagined bristling palm trees surrounded by beach front bars built out of bamboo and rastafarian fellows smoking and handing round coconuts with rum in. This was not the case. It was literally like Bas Vegas (poor, poor mans Las Vegas). With a LOAD of sand. It quickly transpired when we drove past our fourth bar as we drove out of the PORT that Ko Phangan might have once been a beachy paradise, but now, the whole island centres around this monthly event (And even the Half moon party AND no moon party. I think they are going to introduce a Wednesday party soon. and a 'If you are called Dave from Essex ' party too.) So, we jumped in our taxi (Pick up truck, sitting in the back) and it delivered us at ground zero, Haad Rin, the beach of SIN. Concreted roads, packed FULL with bars, shops and more bars is pretty much all you will find there. And strangely enough, one of the most beautiful beaches we stumbled upon this whole trip. Its weird. its like stepping out of the chavviest club you have ever been to, straight into paradise. If it wasnt for the discarded flip flops, empty bottles of sandy Bacardi Breezers and SCORCHED red british people with their fat bits hanging out, you could easily have stepped into a postcard. Similar to Laos (tubing), there was a familiarity here in Haad Rin that i had seen somewhere before. It was in the eyes of the people walking by. It was in the way they walked. It was noticed by the way they hunched over bins vomiting orange fluid. This was a party town, strictly for partying. The dead eyes of the people laying in bars watching endless repeats of Family Guy, Simpsons and Friends was another familar sight. Our resort we were staying in was nice enough though, big swimming pool (full of drunk russians gurning and trying to swim) and it had nice airy rooms with wonderous air con. Some of the other accommodation we saw consisted of a shed...actually that was it. just a shed. Glad we didnt go for those ones. We met up with some of the lovely people from our trip, The Great Danes, and Jess from NYC and Canadian Jo, and after relaxing the night before, we spent the day on the beach surrounded by Brits and Swedes (Did you know, that Swedes have an ALLOWANCE imposed on them by the government for how much Alchohol they can consume in a month? Thats why there are so many over here constantly trollied) then made our way towards the party. Its a great thing to experience actually, maybe becuase it doesnt have the added feeling of DEATH which was ever present whilst tubing in Laos (and no discernable way of losing your nipples either which is a plus for any night out). You quickly get over the drunken horrors and sweary brits stumbling everywhere, and as you get closer to the beach, something magical happens. The lights start to dim, the bars start to glow, you feel the base of the music pumping through your chest and you step onto the white white sand of the beach, shining nearly as brightly as day with the giant full moon over head, and suddenly you realise you are at a festival, on a beach, in Thailand. Its pretty awesome. So we got into it pretty quick, drinking buckets of alchohol and all wearing glow in the dark glasses and body paint. Everyone looked great. Except me. I paid 100 bart to have some of this cool UV neon paint put on me so i glowed and looks funky like everyone else. Sadly, unlike everyone else, im a sweaty pig monster, so after two minutes, a big glowing heart on my chest looked like someone had thrown a slice of pizza at me and the military stripes under my eyes looked like i had applied mascara whilst drunk then cried it down my face. I quickly removed these. From 11pm till 4am we partied hard and ran around like idiots. Playing games of dare, where i kissed a Thai woman who ACTUALLY looked like she thought i was trying to eat her. It was great. but then sadly, it was sober time. Whilst i was off hunting for corn to eat (They sell it on the streets, i wasnt maddeningly searching for a fantastical corn field) Jo was having a boogy in a bar, and her camera was taken from her bag. Pick pockets. Apparently, Fagin loves Haad Rin as much as we did. From that moment, after unsuccessfully trying to locate it (All those photos, gone!) the vale of drunken wonder had lifted, and whilst Jo chatted to the police, suddenly, the Full Moon Party had lost its moonshine. I looked around me, and what was once the greatest beach party ever, now looked like the landings at Dunkirk. Bodies lay writhing on the beach, face down, twitching, some with other people on top of them desperatly trying to copulate through their clothes. One man stood nearby, arms by his side, top off, extremely large belly hanging, head down, wobbling. he wasnt even dancing. he was wobbling, with a strange thrust every now and again. He looked like those people that believe they have demons in them at those weird sermons people go to in the States. Another couple by my side, lay on the beach dry humping. The girl was crying yet she carried on. As i looked up in horror, an old man was standing over the top of them, he must have been in his 50's, and he stood there with a massive erection and a giant camera in his hand snapping away at them. He then quickly glanced up, then scurried along the beach, crab-like, to the next undulating couple. As i turned around, wondering how to escape into drunk ignorance, a group of Thai kids walked past me, all sharing out wallets. They were laughing and looking through the wallets like it was Christmas, taking out ID cards and foreign currancy, looking at it alienly, then throwing it on the beach and pocketing the remaning Thai Bart. Suddenly it became clear. It was like one BIG date rape incident. Everyone was so hammered, so mashed, that they didnt realise what was happening to them. The Thai people that walked among them wearing expressions like grinning sharks, rubbing their hands together at the stupidity of the drunken tourists. Before the end of the night, i spoke to four different people who had all had their stuff stolen. It sucks really, as it was a good night. BY the time Jo got back, she was ready to forget the incident and salvage the rest of the night by downing a big drink then dancing like a maniac to some terrible music with the rest of us, i was in the throws of horror at this time and decided to go on a hunt for some drink that would eliviate my grimmness so i could get back into the swing of things. Upon my unsuccessful return 10 minutes later, i found Jo, who stormed up to me and instantly demanded we leave, we leave right now and go home. She too had become aware of our surroundings and realised the night was at its end, so we stumbled home, stepping over bodies and grabbing a chicken shnitzel for sustenance to help us sleep (You ever had a chicken shnitzel? I hadnt, and they are bloody lovely!) The next morning, we made our way to the beach in a vain attempt to spot a smashed looking camera, poking out of the sand like some forgotten relic. but nope, Fagin had taken it. What we did find though, was a lovely empty beach, but filled with the debris from the night before. It was like a scene from a holocaust movie - i have never seen so many discarded shoes and clothes sprawled across the floor. So, that was our full moon experience. Was it good? Yes, it was fantastic. Would i make the effort to do it again? Probably not. But if i was passing through, i'd certainly give it another bash. Id just leave anything with value at home. The next couple of days we had left in Ko Phangan we spent getting over our hangovers and enjoying some time doing NOTHING. it was nice. Until that is, we decided to rent Mopeds for a day out driving round the island. One thing i havnt mentioned is how you get to Haad Rin where we were staying. You see, Ko Phangan is a suprisingly mountainous island. Mountains that you need to drive over. It was like they literally saw Haad Rin as the party place, then slapped down some concrete over the top of the mountains to get there. This meant, that when you drive up and down these mountains in a taxi, its amazing fun. its literally like you ar eon a log flume. Theres the steep, steady slow climb, then the rushing, stomach altering descent. Doing this in a taxi is great. ON a moped, not so much. We all jumped on one, me driving with Jo on the back and the Danes and Canadian Jo sharing their ones. Sadly, Canadian Jo succumbed to the difficulty of navigating the moped through Haad Rins tiny streets and crashed almost instantly smashing her knee and retiring for a day of recovery. Us idiots though, we gave it a shot. Mopeds, are not the easiest things to drive at first. When you have some speed going, theyre easy, it keeps you balanced, but when you are struggling up a vertical mountain, or zooming a million miles an hour down one, its pretty hard. You know the film the Perfect Storm with George Clooney? When their little boat is struggling over the gigantic wave coming at them, and you are willing and holding on they make it? Thats what the first mountain was like. Holding tight to the handlebars, jo attached to my back like a mollusc, we chanted "please please OH GOD PLEASE" as our bike struggled up the first hill. And amazingly, we made it. And up the next four of them too. It turned out to be an awesome day, touring round the island. (videos on Vimeo very soon!) and we even managed to make it back alive too. The next day, we bid fairwell to the beautiful Danes and made our way to Ko Tao for some well deserved paradise.

And paradise is nearly what we found. We stayed in a teeny beach hut, overlooking the beach. So close you could spit in the sea. It was great. Quiet and peaceful. The only problem was, our beach hut, was a little too basic. It was on stilts, lifted from the beach, but this meant when walking around the room, you could see the earth beneath your feet. And it also meant bugs LOVED us. ON our first night, we wandered along the beach and found the bars i was hoping for in Haad rin. Bamboo huts, with palm leave roofs overlooked the ocean. They played awesome relazing music, and served good drinks and other delicious substances. We spent two nights enjoying these bars and lazing around in our hammocks overlooking a beautiful sky and thunderous clouds. The only problem was, when we navigated our way backl to our beach house each night, the staff neglected to tell us that the SEA would be in our way. So most nights we had to literally swim to our door. Good times. On our last night, Jo and i sat outside in our hammocks, enjoying the night air, when a bat deicded he wanted to feed on the mozzies. The mozzies that happened to be feeding on us. Jo quickly scarpered inside screeching at the first glimps of this flying demon, and left me, outside, in the hammock, disabled, with the light off and the door locked. No matter how much i pleaded, she wouldnt come to my rescue. Becuase unbeknownst to me, Jo could see through the window with her terrified face pressed against the glass, that the bat was literally skimming my hair eating the mozzies. I didnt think bats culd be that scary. i mean theyre like flying fuzzy mice, kind of cute ya know? But no, when they are zooming at your FACE emitting a high pitched death howl, theyre not so cute. After what seemed like an hour, i just gave into my fear, calmly stood up, preying that Sonar is as good as ive read, and made my way to the door. I managed to get inside without being killed, and it actually made pretty awesome viewing watching this little guy zooming around on our porch. The next day, we checked out, then waited to depart for more relaxing wonder. Sadly, Fagin had followed us to Ko tao and Canadian Jo had her iPod nicked. Bastards! So after milling about over that for a while, we decided we should get abck on it with our tour of paradise. However, to get there, we first needed to get through HELL.

On this trip i have been on many forms of transportation. Bikes, mopeds, buses, ferries, vans, trucks, boats, planes, trains, cars, cyclo's and tuk tuks. but i had never been on a night ferry. It sounds fun right? WRONG OH MY GOD SO WRONG YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Think Amistad, writhing, sweaty people, smashed together, churning in discomfort, crying out, whilst on a boat riding the most choppy ocean in the world. In pitch darkness. It was like something from Dante's Divine Comedy, all aboard the hell ship to purgatory! There were beds, when i say beds i mean mattresses. Sticky, brown matresses. And they were about a metre wide. Crammed next to one another. Over every spare inch of the floor. As an added addition, they were also covered in bugs. As i stood staring gobsmasked at everyone shifting uncomfortably in their beds, the man nearest me tried to roll over, only to reveal two dead cockroaches and a couple of flying ants squished underneath him. Our beds, were in the hull, under the floor, with about two feet of head room above them. So at least we couldnt see the bugs. Oh and it was also in roasting heat, as there are no windows in the hull, one of the reasons boast dont sink apparently. I now think, however, i have some idea of what being buried alive is like. During an earthquake. The sea was so choppy, laying down actually allowed you to feel your internal organs moving into your throat as the Hell Boat navigated each huge wave. It was astonishing. I actually didnt realise that human being CHOSE to travel like this in the modern world. Its 2009, i mean it was seriously like we were cattle. We actually discussed the idea that perhaps we had stumbled onto the wrong boat, and were actually being taken away by pirates to Bolivia or somewhere to have our organs haversted. I spent the night next to an unatrually large Spanish girl, whose booty managed to take up most of my metre of floor space. It was squishy, so i didnt mind too much. I couldnt even get to the Vallium. That was in my rucksat buried somewhere under a load of bodies. Amazingly, we survived though. At 5 in the morning, we ran, gasping for air and dripping with sweat and dead bugs into the cool morning air and felt life entering us once more. We were in Krabi, where we spent the next two days recuperating with air con, HBO, movies and pizza. So that was pretty good.

But thats all for now. I really need to make this shorter. Hopefully in Australia that will be the case as i think those guys know how to make computers work. As another note, i feel i have moaned ALOt again this post. Looking back, i sound like an 60 year old, bitter woman talking about 'drunkards' and all that shit. I actually do have fun, honest! But as we all know, its the horror stories that make the most interesting reading right? RIGHT?! Anyway, i'll update again too, the rest of the journey has been suprisingly fun and wonderful, way more boring for you lot, and hopefully, shorter.

Cheerio!
x