BOOK LIST Part One

“The more you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”

You know who said that? The greatest philosopher all time thats who. Yep, Dr Seuss. Ya know what he got his PHD in? LIFE. OK, yes, he also said "My alphabet starts with this letter called yuzz. It's the letter I use to spell yuzz-a-ma-tuzz."but thats beside the point. What i'm trying to say here, is that during my travels, READING has become the BESTEST thing in the universe. Long gone are my wonderful evenings sitting alone in my room, scratching my crotch whilst engrossed in a movie and eating Nutella straight from the jar with a pencil. Those moments of happiness have been taken away from me by the life i now lead. So, to fill this abyss of escapism, i have taken up reading with ravenous delight. Wanna know what ive read so far? No? WELL GUTTED COZ IM GONNA TELL YOU NOW. But don't worry, it will be in parts so you don't end up hating me even more than you already do.

The Book Thief by Makus Zusak

Awesome, amazing, heartbreaking book. This was the first book i read whilst travelling and it was SO FRICKING GOOD. Narrated by death, it tells the story of a little orphan girl called Liesel growing up in Nazi Germany. Amazingly written and so sad you will weep forever. Read it. Its very important that you do.

The Catcher In The Rye by J.D Salinger

Before i came away i made myself a promise i would read more classic novels. So far im still wandering around with about four classics in my backpack. However, after finishing my first book i moved straight onto this and loved it. Just the funnest book i have read in ages. Really funny, sweet and strange, if you havnt read it (which i hadnt) it follows a kid called Holden Caulfield over 3 days after he quits school and hangs out in New York trying to guide his life in some way that will make him happy. Brilliant stuff.

Alice's Adventures In Wonderland by Lewis Carol

Another classic i picked up. Its funny, most of the books you end up buying in Asia are just large, photocopied versions of the original books. Sometimes the pages are stapled in upside down, and they cost you almost double what they would cost you at home, but i still loved reading this. Its just the most strangest, original, crazy story for kids. Alice east ALOT of food in this. I think Mr Carol was eating ALOT of mushrooms whilst writing it. but whatever creative techniques he used they worked perfectly. Just the best fun.

The Beach by Alex Garland

Yes thats right, i am indeed a walking cliche. But you know what? I DONT CARE. It was bloody brilliant reading this laying on the beaches that Garland writes about. Looking around at the local Thai's with their 'smiles like sharks'. Really made me think about the idea of Paradise and what it meant. The Lonely Planet described Phi Phi as 'paradise so beautiful it would make you cry'. Instead i found endless tour shops crowding the streets so you couldnt even see the sky and drunken British morons throwing up outisde the countless pancake stalls. I found it eventually, but it took a while.

Awesome stuff so far hmm? HMMMM? OK, this is actually all a rouse. You see, i would normally be posting photo's and other exciting little tidbits from the journey so far, but you see, AUSTRALIA IS A HUGE RIP OFF. It's actually proving more difficult to upload photo's and video's here than it was in Asia. They CHARGE you to use the USB ports! i mean, why not just suck all the atmosphere out of the internet cafe's then charge people to use oxygen tanks as they check facebook in a cold, lifeless vacuum? Bah. I'm off. Be back soon!

CRRRRRIKEY!

Before i say my normal bla bla's about how i havnt posted for so much time etc etc, i must firstly point something out. I need to apologise for the grammar on this particular post. You see, i have acquired a disability. I arose this morning after returning from a lovely sailing trip round the Whitsundays (Oh yes, there shall be more on this later) and discovered that i seemed to be unable to open my left eye. My hands rose to my face, groans coming from my mouth and as i rushed to the mirror, i screamed. I currently look like Matthew Broderick in Election. If you have any idea what im talking about, you will know my horror. If not, basically my left eye looks like a mouldy fig. This poses many problems. Not only for my normally impeccable grammar on this blog (HA!) but also for my self esteem. you see, in the land of OZ, many things are different from that crazy world of Asia. In many Asian countries, people wouldnt bat an eyelid (oh how i miss my eye-lid) at what you look like, or what you are wearing. Even if you pulled your pants down mid-stride and evacuated your bowels oustide the local McDonalds, they would still step over you and continue on their journey to purchase a McThai. But in OZ, things are sadly very different. Gorgeous, impossibly brown western people are everywhere. And the majority of them are pretty much constantly looking for sexual intercourse with/without copious amounts of alchohol involved. Therefor, it is ALWAYS in your best interest to look incredibly fabulous at all times. For a 26 year old man, with a little belly and an alergic reaction similar to a vampire when he steps in sunlight, this image of fabulosity is hard to obtain. Therefor, when i embarked on my glorious trip around the Whitsundays, sailing on a beautiful white pirate ship whilst surrounded by many brown Scandanavian beauties sunbathing againt the passing paradise, sadly i shall be remembered as "that pale british guy who hid in the shadows with the gammy eye". self-confidence, and grammatical correctness has therefor taken a nose dive. SO, with impaired vision, and a truly new, low of self esteem, i write to you.

"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL...Slurrrrrrp....I AM A HUMAN BEING!"

SINAGAPORE. What a funny city. In many ways, it incapsulates the more Westernised, affluent image of Asia. I imagined it to be as similar to Tokyo, Japan as a city could get. High rise buildings rise out of the flat landscape with thousands of blinking coloured lights, crazy looking shops and eateries scream with neone lights on every corner, and literally, EVERY OTHER BUILDING is a shopping mall. Its absoloute madness. Singaporians (Is that even right?!) must be either incredibly bored, or incredibly materialistic, for all they can do in their spare time is SHOP. The main shopping road, Orchard Road, is over a mile long, and you will find over 30 malls along it. Each mall holds on average about 250 shops. Thats like 7500 shops. On one road. ARE THERE EVEN THAT MANY SHOPS ON THE PLANET? Obviously there are, theyre all in Singapore. Anyway, so Singapore, its pretty damn good for shopping. However, arriving in this city-sized mall is not so enjoyable for a budegting traveller. Therefor myself and Jo walked around the entire city with faces like a slapped arse. Gurning with jealousy at every shopper walking past us. That was until we found the true reason i love Asia. COMICS. Books shops are great in Singapore. Obviously influenced by Japanese and Chinese culture (The majority of Singaporians are Chinese), Japanese Manga can be found in many shops. And it was cheap! So finally, i could shop! Without going too crazy, i bought a big enough selection to ease my raging desire to shop without raping my wallet. Later in the day, we ventured to a nearby shopping centre, and i squeeled with delight as i saw a sign saying VIRTUAL WORLD ARCADE! I grabbed Jo by the hair, and yanked her down an escalator where we stumbled upon the biggest arcade i had ever seen. People everywhere, of all ages where shaking, pushing, stamping and jumping on these big flashy arcade machines that i had never seen before. It was fascinating. It was like the scene from Lost In Translation where lovely Miss Johannsen walks into that peculiar arcade. I loved it. We quickly got some tokens, and then spent the following four hours running around like kids trying to figure out how the hell you play the games. It was brilliant. My favourite one was a giant plastic cube, with little screens for buttons. When the screens lit up in time with the strange Chinese song playing, you had to hit them. The rythem alone makes you do a little dance when you are playing. It was awesome fun. After a heavy day of wandering the city, we ventured onto the subway. The Singapore MRT is massively impressive compared to the London underground. Its all shiny and new and very frequent. Hwever, they did have one feature that fear may not go down so well in London. Small TV screens line the platform walls and the trains themselves. Most Singaporians didnt pay these screens any attention, as i guess they had seen them many times before. however, myself and Jo could not stop staring at them with looks of utter horror on our faces. These screens basically showed you the consequences and aftermath of the various ways of dying through a terrorist attack on the MRT. Visions of the trains pulling into the stations then exploding in great fireballs of hot death flashed across our bulding eyes. Passengers running screaming through the tunnels then emerging into the daylight and vomiting black poison from a chemical bomb flickered over the screens. yet no one paid any attention to these shows. It was just me and Jo, staring in disbelief. Another funny thing about the MRT, is that they have signs everywhere saying NO DURIANS. Do you know what a Durian is? Or more importantly, do you know what a Durian smells like? If the answer is no, then you are LUCKY. Durian is a spikey fruit that can be found on most street stalls or being eaten with raging hunger, zombie style, by wrinkly Asian people sitting on the road. It is the SMELLIEST fruit in the world. Imagine a smell of intense rotten eggs, sulphur and hot garbage juice mixed together. IT IS THE SMELL OF DEATH. We discovered this wonderful smelling fruit as we ventured through Malaysia. Walking past a fruit stall, marvelling at all the colours and smells, we spotted the Durian. Picking it up we remarked at its wonderful colour and spikeyness. Suddenly, the seller came rushing over, grabbed it from our hands with a big smile on his face then sliced it in half. Time seemed to stop at that moment. All surrounding birds and animals fell silent and our eyes began to stream. Standing in such close proximity to this HELL FRUIT was not a good idea. I very nearly explosively vomitted into the shop keepers smiling eyes. And that is why when we looked at those NO DURIAN signs on the Singapore MRT, our noses smiled.

We said farewell to Singapore on the 4th of April, and made our way to the airport. The act of travelling has almost become a comfort to me. Its a long period of time, where you dont have to move, dont have to look good, dont have to talk, and you can just sit and sleep or read whilst being taken to the next new and strange place. The idea of sitting on a plane for 8 hours as we flew to Cairns, Australia appealed to me immensly. I fidgeted with exitement as i contemplated what games and films we could watch on our little TVs in the seat in front. I wobbled at the thought of scoffing my mid flight food whilst staring out the window at the stars. This, would explain the look of PURE digust on my face when i got on our plan and noticed there were no TVs in the back fo the seats. I whispered frantically in Jo's ear as if i were commenting on some horrendous social faux pa that had occurred - "Jo...JO...where the hell are the TVs?...JO....Where are the TVs? I dont understand WHERE ARE THEY?" Once i controlled my disgust, we were seated by some lovely Australian ladies (Our first Ozzy encounter) who said we could RENT a TV for $10. Succumbign to our budget, we declined with grumpy no thank-you's and settled in for our flight. 8 hours, i woke with raisin-eye's and peeped through the window at Cairns as it came into view. I felt like i was flying to Jurassic Park. Green, jungle filled mountains and crystal blue water glimmered beneath us. I was excited.

In all honesty, Australia so far has been lovely, butquite uneventful, hence the lack of posts. Its pretty much - Beach, Lagoon, Drink, Beach, Lagoon, Drink, POSSUM, drink. Anyway, i shall divulge the details, as a blog written in that style would be gigantically boring for all involved. SO, Cairns turned out to be a lovely place. We stuck around for a week, slowly settling into our new western environment. Part of us missed the friendliness and anonymity that came with being a Western in Asia, but we slowly succumbed to being back in a world full of Baskin and Robbins and steak specials. After spending a couple of days sunbathing around the man-made lagoon in town, we took our trip to the local travel agents and booked all our excusrions. It is these excursions that put the Ahhhh in Australiahhhh. We booked a trip to Cape Tribulation, an area north of Cairns that is home to the worlds oldest rain forrest, and HUGE FRICKING SPIDERS. We hopped on our bus, which would take us on a little tour till we arrived at our place for the night, a hostel in the rainforrest. Our driver, lets call her Amanda as i cant remember her real name, was perhaps my favourite Australian stranger. This woman, LOVED her country, and LOVED telling people about it. She was bloody great. As we sleepily made our way to Cape Trib, she informed us all about the local area, the local Abroiginal tribe and most entertaingly, the many, varied ways thet you can be killed by many Australian animals. It was literally a case of "If the Dingo's don't git ya, then the bats will git ya. And if the bats don't git ya, then the sharks will git ya, and if the sharks dont git ya, then the crocs will git ya." She was great. We found out many wonderful things from her. A Box Jelly fish can kill you in 15 minutes. Crocodiles live on most of the beaches along the East coast and they eat people frequently. An Iriganji is a small jelly fish the size of your finger nail. If you are stung, you will spend the next 6 hours in intense pain with feelings of intense anxiety and death pulsing through you. You will also hallucinate. There are no remedies. there is a small snail called the Cone Shell. It has a beautiful shell. It can be found in the sea along the East Coast. A woman snorkling last year found one, picked it up and put it in her bathing suit. She was dead half an hour later, as the cone shell snail fires a small harpoon which injects you with quite alot of poison. All of these creatures, and many many more can be found all the way along the East coast. And swimming in the sea, is almost never reccommended. Luckily, when we arrived in the rainforrest for our night amongst the wild, only two of these creatures were present. Crocodiles. And a large blue bird, that had the ability to disembowel you, Velociraptor style, with one swift kick of its clawed foot. Luckily, we saw neither. However, we DID see the Golden Orb Spider. A huge, harmless spider that is horrifyingly the size of a grown mans head. With a web the size of a fricking bed sheet. These guys were EVERYWHERE to our horror. With every step came the squeel of terror as we would frequently walk into these guys. I half expected to walk around a corner and find several small childen entombed in their webs. Sadly, this never happened. However, we made some friends with 3 lovely Irish girls, and i quickly realised these spiders could offer quite alot more entertainment than they first suggested. Sarah, Caroline and Fiona are three gorgeous and UNBELIEVABLY Irish girls from a placed called Cork in Southern Ireland. In their own words, they are a great crack. They are SO VERY IRISH. Its wonderful. They even text in Irish speak "Ok den, will be wit you shortly!" Sarah happens to be utterly, entirely and intensly terrified by anything that is not human. At the sight of these spiders, her blue eyes would enlarge, her mouth would hang open, and she would start stepping backwards, shaking and uttering in a raspy, breathy voice her vocalised terror "Oh.....uh...Bjeesus....oh..god..i....bejeesus...what the....fuck....holyshitbejeesusfuck..." Great fun to watch. So with our new friends, we spent the night in the rainforrest, surrounded by giant spiders and unknown animals squaking in the night. It was our first truly Ozzy experience and it turned out to be great fun, and we made three new awesome friends on the way.

Our next Ozzy experience was even better. The Great Barrier Reef. Did you know that the reef can be visited more or less all the way down the East Coast of Australia? Its HUGE. The only natural structure that can be seen from space. And my GOD is it beautiful. We headed out for a day trip around the outer reef near Cairns. Cairns is a good spot to visit the reef as its very close to the outer parts, where all the colourful goodness lies, and more importantly, its CHEAP. Our boat was called PASSION FOR PARADISE. Cheese city. But it was great fun. We ventured out to a small quay, a little sand island smack bang in the middle of the crystal blue waters where rare birds liked to nest and after donning our stinger suits, (spandex body suits that make you look like you're one of the Fantastic Four but also keep spooky jelly fish fron stinging you) we jumped in with our flippers and began to explore. It was as incredible as you can imagine. I always thought the colours and shapes depicted in magazines and even in Finding Nemo were exaggerated, but thats not true. Every colour you could imagine lay under that clear water. Purple and green clams opened and closed with the currents. Bright orange clown fish hid in the throngs of bustling, pink anenome's, staring at you as you swam by. Branches of electric blue coral pointed towards the surface with huge multicoloured parrot fish nibbling at their twigs. And Sea Turtles, elegant sea turtles swam along like Dude from Nemo. I don't mind saying this, but i actually felt like Arial under the sea with her fishy friends. It was incredible. Sebastian was right - Nothing is better, down where it's wetter, under the sea. That trip will forever be one of the main highlights of OZ, and im really glad it happened. Before that, and Cape Trib, when we were laying by the lagoon, looking around at the McDonalds and scorched, red tourists eating up the sun, we could easily have been in Malorca or Tennerife. Asia was a place where no matter where you looked, everything was strange. Strange, but REAL. And after our first week in OZ, we were worried we would miss that feeling. However, after our trip to the reef and Cape trib, these little excursions, that take you out, into the crazy natural world of Australia, it's these amazing experiences that sets this country apart. And i have lots more to see, many more excursions to talk about and have, and that fills me with many bubbles of wonder.

I was just thinking about our first night in Singapore. We stumbled into a shopping area called Bugis Square. Starbucks, Abercrombie's and Gaps surrounded us everywhere, amidst a selection of tasty and expensive eateries you only find in shopping malls. And suddenly we realised we were really saying goodbye to Asia, and hello again to the Western World. It was a sad moment. Not one cry of "YOU WANT BUY MISTA? CHEAP CHEAP BUY NAAANAY!!" could be heard. Not one whiff of street juice was in the air. And as far as i could see, not a moped in sight. Instead we were surrounded by the shops and usual sights of our lives in England. And with this new environment, came a feeling of real comfort. Sadly though, this only added to our melancholly. Why should we feel more comfortable surrounded by logo's of uber corperations and fake palm tree's rising out of sculptured concrete? Wouldnt it be more fitting to feel at ease amidst the reality of the smelly, bustle and dust clouds of Hanoi? Or walking the night markets fo Changmai looking for something edible to eat that doesnt come in a pre-sealed vaccum? It was a strange feeling - coming from this crazy new world we had been living in for the last two months, this Western world is such a HUGE contrast to the crazy reality of Asia. but what to do? Shall i burn all my western money and grow a huge beard then live in a cave, eating bat droppings and Phad Thai? No, i embrace the things im used to - the fake, expensive, impersonal Western world ive missed so much. Yes i guess that makes me a bit of an hypocrit or ignoramus, but i can now appreciate it all a bit more, and have a better perspective of my silly little life...ANYWAY, after all that cliche claptrap, i'm off for a Grande, skinny, double espresso, vanilla latte. Cheerio.

TURNOFFTHELIGHTSHUTTHEDOOR!!

I could apologise for the lack of posts of late again, but it seems i do that EVERY SINGLE TIME i write a post, so this time, i'm going to say GUTTED, big fat GUT ROTS that i havnt posted anything for a while. Right, now thats out the way, my excuse for not posting anything for a while is simple. it costs FIFTY MILLION BUCKS to go online in OZ. So, i guess the one good thing to come out of this, is much shorter posts from myself. Anyway, from all the people i have been speaking to, i think we only have three people reading this blog anymore (Thanks Karen, Hannah and Emma, you guys just really rock. You really do.) Anyway, beacuase time is short and money is sparse, this is going to be more of a roundup.

So, we were last at Krabi after the DEATH ferri yes? Well, due to this horrific event, we spent three days in Krabi doing NOTHING. Plus there were so many fat, boiled, red Brits everywhere, it didnt really feel like a special tropical paradise anyway so we were pretty happy sleeping all day in our room. After Krabi, we made our way to the wonderful tropical paradise of Ko Phi Phi. Lonely Planet described it as "So beautiful, it will make you cry." we it did make us cry but i cant say that was because of the beauty. Sadly, like most of the tropical wonders of Phi Phi, the place had succumbed to the TOURIST. As soon as we arrived, the white, snowy beaches were covered again in fat europeans, lolloping around, and roaring like Elephant Seals battling over their spot on the sand. The water was also so hot i actually think i began to boil whilst6 sitting in it. however, saying this, we did find paradise just off shore when we went sailing in a long boat for the day. We snorkled just off of the beach where that film, The Beach was filmed, and saw many tropical wonders. We also sailed home under a purple sunset which was pretty eye bulgingly beautiful. However, my highlight of Phi Phi was chilling out in a place called the Sunflower Bar, where we sat stuffing our face with Phad Thai, and watching the Sun Set and a Thunder Storm, battle for our attention in the great big sky over the endless ocean in front of us. Wonderful stuff.

SO, after Phi Phi, it was time to say fairwell to Thailand, and HIYA Malaysia! We jumped in a minibus at Krabi, and made our way over the boarder to the wonderful island of Langkawi. Weirdly, in the bus on the way there, out of the four Brits on board, two were from Essex. One went to my school and happened to know everyone i did who was a year younger than me, and the other is best friends with my cousin Toria, AND the sister of one of my old friends! MADNESS. JUST MADNESS. So talking about how weird it was that we knew eachother and how many other people we were connected to took up most of the days journey (perhaps not the pleasure of the other passengers who did infact try to suffoctae themselves with their own fists throught the journey) adn we finally arrievd in Langkawi. Langkawi offered beaches, great pizza, MASSIVE insects and jungles. One night whilst i was enjoying a rather excellent Satay Pizza (Chicken satay, on a pizza, there is NOTHING better i assure you.) two giant flying cockraoches, about the size of a mobile phone each, flew over to the lampost next to our table. Instantly, all girls in the surrounding vicinity opened their mouths and eyes and begun to emit deep, gurgling squeels of horror. It was quite amazing. As they stared, open mouthed at these flying monsters, i began to calm them. "Guys, seriously, whats wrong with you? look, theyre not gonna fly into us, theyre more interested in that light, besides theAAAAARGOHMYGOD" i flew off my chair, jumping about becuase one of these beetles of doom had decided to fly straight into my face. It actually felt like someone had thrown a crunchy stone right at my cheek. Those bugs hit HARD when they smash into stuff. So for the rest of the night all of my manly assurances were disregarded due to my girlish screams during my bug attack. On our last day in Langkawi, and with the essex girls, we all rented a car together and drove off into the jungle. We got two cars. one good one. And one bad one. Guess which one i was in? You know, i have never seen smoke coming out of the air conditioning before. Nor have i ever seen the steering wheel come off mid turn either. But it was good fun none the less.

After we said our goodbyes in Langkawi, we headed to Penang. Not much to report here apart from the fact we went the cinema and it was AMAZING. 1.50 per film. I was in HEAVEN. Life surged back into my eyes as i sat in those air conditioned rooms, wobbling in the darkness with my eyes and mouth devouring the popcorn and sights in front of me in equal measure. Oh we also stuffed our faces in Penang as well. Lots of curries. Ever heard of Butter Chicken curry? I havnt, but its bloody lovely. After Penang it was to Kuala Lumpur, one of those funny sounding places you never actually realises exists until you see it on a map or go there. kind of like Timbuktoo ya know? Well KL (as the locals call it, oh yeah, im down the kids) was pretty dull. Lots of shops, including a TOPMAN (DANGER DANGER) were present, but apart from the giant glittering Patronas towers that we couldnt even go up, not alot here. Shame we stayed 4 nights to be honest. KL was also the location for my first dorm experience. An experience i wasnt really looking forward to. Sleeping in a confined, hot, room with a bunch of burping, farting, rude foreign strangers who care about nothing but their own goodness? No thanks. But iw as assured by jo and Jo that this was the not the case and most Dorm experiences were good fun. My first one WASNT. As we entered our 8 bed dorm at 11 at night (on a saturday might i add), we found the lights off, air con and entire guests of1 asleep, or trying to apparently. As we turned on the lighths, this disgusting hair beast, a girl with the same complexion and greasy locks as the girl from The Ring emerged from her bed, seeming to grow up out of the mattress. As we attempted to enter the room, which was the size of my parents bathroom, her eyes bulged and she screamed "TURNTHELIGHTOFFCLOSETHEDOORPLEASEBEQUIETTURNTHELIGHTOFF" and fell back under her covers. It was like witnessing an attack from the Canvey Island Banshee. Her thick essex accent constantly mumbled and swore until we had climbed into our beds, still holding our bags and still in our clothes. At one point, after i exited the room to brush my teeth, as i quietly opened the door ajar and stuck my hand into my bed to get the key, she arose again, stared through the gap ala THE GRUDGE, eyes buging beneathe my arm and begun to close the door upon it. If i didnt remove it as quicly as i did i would have lost it. Anyway, i decided that after spending the night trying to sleep above this hairy harpee and her UNBELIEVABLE snoring, i opted out and got my own room for the next three nights. I was in bliss. I had my own room. PEACE. It was wonderful.

So, all thats left of our Asian Experience is our time in Singapore, and our first week in the Wonderful World of Australia. I'll update on this in the next post. Saw my first Abbo today. I actually said "Oh look, there;s an Abbo" totally ignorant to the fact that apprently 'Abbo' is a derogatory term. I discovered this when the man glared at me through his thick brow and started follwoing us. I shant make the mistake again.

Photos will be uploaded soon as well, as soon as it doesnt bankrupt me to get online.

Until then, cheerio!

OH, and this post is dedicated to
HANNAH AND RICH!
HAPPY WEDDING DAY WONDER!
MWAH xxxxxxxxxxxx

Fairwell my dark skinned friend, my sweet and sour companion...

IMG_8181, originally uploaded by blibblobblib.

Today we leave Asia, Chapter One of our adventure is over, and its with sadness and relief that we fly to the Land of OZ! OZMAR! Will it be everything that Asia wasnt? To be honest, Asia was everything i had never expected, so this could be confusing. But one thing is for suire, i will be missing the Sweet and Sour, coz theyre the time i wont forget.

Kup Ji!