CRRRRRIKEY!

Before i say my normal bla bla's about how i havnt posted for so much time etc etc, i must firstly point something out. I need to apologise for the grammar on this particular post. You see, i have acquired a disability. I arose this morning after returning from a lovely sailing trip round the Whitsundays (Oh yes, there shall be more on this later) and discovered that i seemed to be unable to open my left eye. My hands rose to my face, groans coming from my mouth and as i rushed to the mirror, i screamed. I currently look like Matthew Broderick in Election. If you have any idea what im talking about, you will know my horror. If not, basically my left eye looks like a mouldy fig. This poses many problems. Not only for my normally impeccable grammar on this blog (HA!) but also for my self esteem. you see, in the land of OZ, many things are different from that crazy world of Asia. In many Asian countries, people wouldnt bat an eyelid (oh how i miss my eye-lid) at what you look like, or what you are wearing. Even if you pulled your pants down mid-stride and evacuated your bowels oustide the local McDonalds, they would still step over you and continue on their journey to purchase a McThai. But in OZ, things are sadly very different. Gorgeous, impossibly brown western people are everywhere. And the majority of them are pretty much constantly looking for sexual intercourse with/without copious amounts of alchohol involved. Therefor, it is ALWAYS in your best interest to look incredibly fabulous at all times. For a 26 year old man, with a little belly and an alergic reaction similar to a vampire when he steps in sunlight, this image of fabulosity is hard to obtain. Therefor, when i embarked on my glorious trip around the Whitsundays, sailing on a beautiful white pirate ship whilst surrounded by many brown Scandanavian beauties sunbathing againt the passing paradise, sadly i shall be remembered as "that pale british guy who hid in the shadows with the gammy eye". self-confidence, and grammatical correctness has therefor taken a nose dive. SO, with impaired vision, and a truly new, low of self esteem, i write to you.

"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL...Slurrrrrrp....I AM A HUMAN BEING!"

SINAGAPORE. What a funny city. In many ways, it incapsulates the more Westernised, affluent image of Asia. I imagined it to be as similar to Tokyo, Japan as a city could get. High rise buildings rise out of the flat landscape with thousands of blinking coloured lights, crazy looking shops and eateries scream with neone lights on every corner, and literally, EVERY OTHER BUILDING is a shopping mall. Its absoloute madness. Singaporians (Is that even right?!) must be either incredibly bored, or incredibly materialistic, for all they can do in their spare time is SHOP. The main shopping road, Orchard Road, is over a mile long, and you will find over 30 malls along it. Each mall holds on average about 250 shops. Thats like 7500 shops. On one road. ARE THERE EVEN THAT MANY SHOPS ON THE PLANET? Obviously there are, theyre all in Singapore. Anyway, so Singapore, its pretty damn good for shopping. However, arriving in this city-sized mall is not so enjoyable for a budegting traveller. Therefor myself and Jo walked around the entire city with faces like a slapped arse. Gurning with jealousy at every shopper walking past us. That was until we found the true reason i love Asia. COMICS. Books shops are great in Singapore. Obviously influenced by Japanese and Chinese culture (The majority of Singaporians are Chinese), Japanese Manga can be found in many shops. And it was cheap! So finally, i could shop! Without going too crazy, i bought a big enough selection to ease my raging desire to shop without raping my wallet. Later in the day, we ventured to a nearby shopping centre, and i squeeled with delight as i saw a sign saying VIRTUAL WORLD ARCADE! I grabbed Jo by the hair, and yanked her down an escalator where we stumbled upon the biggest arcade i had ever seen. People everywhere, of all ages where shaking, pushing, stamping and jumping on these big flashy arcade machines that i had never seen before. It was fascinating. It was like the scene from Lost In Translation where lovely Miss Johannsen walks into that peculiar arcade. I loved it. We quickly got some tokens, and then spent the following four hours running around like kids trying to figure out how the hell you play the games. It was brilliant. My favourite one was a giant plastic cube, with little screens for buttons. When the screens lit up in time with the strange Chinese song playing, you had to hit them. The rythem alone makes you do a little dance when you are playing. It was awesome fun. After a heavy day of wandering the city, we ventured onto the subway. The Singapore MRT is massively impressive compared to the London underground. Its all shiny and new and very frequent. Hwever, they did have one feature that fear may not go down so well in London. Small TV screens line the platform walls and the trains themselves. Most Singaporians didnt pay these screens any attention, as i guess they had seen them many times before. however, myself and Jo could not stop staring at them with looks of utter horror on our faces. These screens basically showed you the consequences and aftermath of the various ways of dying through a terrorist attack on the MRT. Visions of the trains pulling into the stations then exploding in great fireballs of hot death flashed across our bulding eyes. Passengers running screaming through the tunnels then emerging into the daylight and vomiting black poison from a chemical bomb flickered over the screens. yet no one paid any attention to these shows. It was just me and Jo, staring in disbelief. Another funny thing about the MRT, is that they have signs everywhere saying NO DURIANS. Do you know what a Durian is? Or more importantly, do you know what a Durian smells like? If the answer is no, then you are LUCKY. Durian is a spikey fruit that can be found on most street stalls or being eaten with raging hunger, zombie style, by wrinkly Asian people sitting on the road. It is the SMELLIEST fruit in the world. Imagine a smell of intense rotten eggs, sulphur and hot garbage juice mixed together. IT IS THE SMELL OF DEATH. We discovered this wonderful smelling fruit as we ventured through Malaysia. Walking past a fruit stall, marvelling at all the colours and smells, we spotted the Durian. Picking it up we remarked at its wonderful colour and spikeyness. Suddenly, the seller came rushing over, grabbed it from our hands with a big smile on his face then sliced it in half. Time seemed to stop at that moment. All surrounding birds and animals fell silent and our eyes began to stream. Standing in such close proximity to this HELL FRUIT was not a good idea. I very nearly explosively vomitted into the shop keepers smiling eyes. And that is why when we looked at those NO DURIAN signs on the Singapore MRT, our noses smiled.

We said farewell to Singapore on the 4th of April, and made our way to the airport. The act of travelling has almost become a comfort to me. Its a long period of time, where you dont have to move, dont have to look good, dont have to talk, and you can just sit and sleep or read whilst being taken to the next new and strange place. The idea of sitting on a plane for 8 hours as we flew to Cairns, Australia appealed to me immensly. I fidgeted with exitement as i contemplated what games and films we could watch on our little TVs in the seat in front. I wobbled at the thought of scoffing my mid flight food whilst staring out the window at the stars. This, would explain the look of PURE digust on my face when i got on our plan and noticed there were no TVs in the back fo the seats. I whispered frantically in Jo's ear as if i were commenting on some horrendous social faux pa that had occurred - "Jo...JO...where the hell are the TVs?...JO....Where are the TVs? I dont understand WHERE ARE THEY?" Once i controlled my disgust, we were seated by some lovely Australian ladies (Our first Ozzy encounter) who said we could RENT a TV for $10. Succumbign to our budget, we declined with grumpy no thank-you's and settled in for our flight. 8 hours, i woke with raisin-eye's and peeped through the window at Cairns as it came into view. I felt like i was flying to Jurassic Park. Green, jungle filled mountains and crystal blue water glimmered beneath us. I was excited.

In all honesty, Australia so far has been lovely, butquite uneventful, hence the lack of posts. Its pretty much - Beach, Lagoon, Drink, Beach, Lagoon, Drink, POSSUM, drink. Anyway, i shall divulge the details, as a blog written in that style would be gigantically boring for all involved. SO, Cairns turned out to be a lovely place. We stuck around for a week, slowly settling into our new western environment. Part of us missed the friendliness and anonymity that came with being a Western in Asia, but we slowly succumbed to being back in a world full of Baskin and Robbins and steak specials. After spending a couple of days sunbathing around the man-made lagoon in town, we took our trip to the local travel agents and booked all our excusrions. It is these excursions that put the Ahhhh in Australiahhhh. We booked a trip to Cape Tribulation, an area north of Cairns that is home to the worlds oldest rain forrest, and HUGE FRICKING SPIDERS. We hopped on our bus, which would take us on a little tour till we arrived at our place for the night, a hostel in the rainforrest. Our driver, lets call her Amanda as i cant remember her real name, was perhaps my favourite Australian stranger. This woman, LOVED her country, and LOVED telling people about it. She was bloody great. As we sleepily made our way to Cape Trib, she informed us all about the local area, the local Abroiginal tribe and most entertaingly, the many, varied ways thet you can be killed by many Australian animals. It was literally a case of "If the Dingo's don't git ya, then the bats will git ya. And if the bats don't git ya, then the sharks will git ya, and if the sharks dont git ya, then the crocs will git ya." She was great. We found out many wonderful things from her. A Box Jelly fish can kill you in 15 minutes. Crocodiles live on most of the beaches along the East coast and they eat people frequently. An Iriganji is a small jelly fish the size of your finger nail. If you are stung, you will spend the next 6 hours in intense pain with feelings of intense anxiety and death pulsing through you. You will also hallucinate. There are no remedies. there is a small snail called the Cone Shell. It has a beautiful shell. It can be found in the sea along the East Coast. A woman snorkling last year found one, picked it up and put it in her bathing suit. She was dead half an hour later, as the cone shell snail fires a small harpoon which injects you with quite alot of poison. All of these creatures, and many many more can be found all the way along the East coast. And swimming in the sea, is almost never reccommended. Luckily, when we arrived in the rainforrest for our night amongst the wild, only two of these creatures were present. Crocodiles. And a large blue bird, that had the ability to disembowel you, Velociraptor style, with one swift kick of its clawed foot. Luckily, we saw neither. However, we DID see the Golden Orb Spider. A huge, harmless spider that is horrifyingly the size of a grown mans head. With a web the size of a fricking bed sheet. These guys were EVERYWHERE to our horror. With every step came the squeel of terror as we would frequently walk into these guys. I half expected to walk around a corner and find several small childen entombed in their webs. Sadly, this never happened. However, we made some friends with 3 lovely Irish girls, and i quickly realised these spiders could offer quite alot more entertainment than they first suggested. Sarah, Caroline and Fiona are three gorgeous and UNBELIEVABLY Irish girls from a placed called Cork in Southern Ireland. In their own words, they are a great crack. They are SO VERY IRISH. Its wonderful. They even text in Irish speak "Ok den, will be wit you shortly!" Sarah happens to be utterly, entirely and intensly terrified by anything that is not human. At the sight of these spiders, her blue eyes would enlarge, her mouth would hang open, and she would start stepping backwards, shaking and uttering in a raspy, breathy voice her vocalised terror "Oh.....uh...Bjeesus....oh..god..i....bejeesus...what the....fuck....holyshitbejeesusfuck..." Great fun to watch. So with our new friends, we spent the night in the rainforrest, surrounded by giant spiders and unknown animals squaking in the night. It was our first truly Ozzy experience and it turned out to be great fun, and we made three new awesome friends on the way.

Our next Ozzy experience was even better. The Great Barrier Reef. Did you know that the reef can be visited more or less all the way down the East Coast of Australia? Its HUGE. The only natural structure that can be seen from space. And my GOD is it beautiful. We headed out for a day trip around the outer reef near Cairns. Cairns is a good spot to visit the reef as its very close to the outer parts, where all the colourful goodness lies, and more importantly, its CHEAP. Our boat was called PASSION FOR PARADISE. Cheese city. But it was great fun. We ventured out to a small quay, a little sand island smack bang in the middle of the crystal blue waters where rare birds liked to nest and after donning our stinger suits, (spandex body suits that make you look like you're one of the Fantastic Four but also keep spooky jelly fish fron stinging you) we jumped in with our flippers and began to explore. It was as incredible as you can imagine. I always thought the colours and shapes depicted in magazines and even in Finding Nemo were exaggerated, but thats not true. Every colour you could imagine lay under that clear water. Purple and green clams opened and closed with the currents. Bright orange clown fish hid in the throngs of bustling, pink anenome's, staring at you as you swam by. Branches of electric blue coral pointed towards the surface with huge multicoloured parrot fish nibbling at their twigs. And Sea Turtles, elegant sea turtles swam along like Dude from Nemo. I don't mind saying this, but i actually felt like Arial under the sea with her fishy friends. It was incredible. Sebastian was right - Nothing is better, down where it's wetter, under the sea. That trip will forever be one of the main highlights of OZ, and im really glad it happened. Before that, and Cape Trib, when we were laying by the lagoon, looking around at the McDonalds and scorched, red tourists eating up the sun, we could easily have been in Malorca or Tennerife. Asia was a place where no matter where you looked, everything was strange. Strange, but REAL. And after our first week in OZ, we were worried we would miss that feeling. However, after our trip to the reef and Cape trib, these little excursions, that take you out, into the crazy natural world of Australia, it's these amazing experiences that sets this country apart. And i have lots more to see, many more excursions to talk about and have, and that fills me with many bubbles of wonder.

I was just thinking about our first night in Singapore. We stumbled into a shopping area called Bugis Square. Starbucks, Abercrombie's and Gaps surrounded us everywhere, amidst a selection of tasty and expensive eateries you only find in shopping malls. And suddenly we realised we were really saying goodbye to Asia, and hello again to the Western World. It was a sad moment. Not one cry of "YOU WANT BUY MISTA? CHEAP CHEAP BUY NAAANAY!!" could be heard. Not one whiff of street juice was in the air. And as far as i could see, not a moped in sight. Instead we were surrounded by the shops and usual sights of our lives in England. And with this new environment, came a feeling of real comfort. Sadly though, this only added to our melancholly. Why should we feel more comfortable surrounded by logo's of uber corperations and fake palm tree's rising out of sculptured concrete? Wouldnt it be more fitting to feel at ease amidst the reality of the smelly, bustle and dust clouds of Hanoi? Or walking the night markets fo Changmai looking for something edible to eat that doesnt come in a pre-sealed vaccum? It was a strange feeling - coming from this crazy new world we had been living in for the last two months, this Western world is such a HUGE contrast to the crazy reality of Asia. but what to do? Shall i burn all my western money and grow a huge beard then live in a cave, eating bat droppings and Phad Thai? No, i embrace the things im used to - the fake, expensive, impersonal Western world ive missed so much. Yes i guess that makes me a bit of an hypocrit or ignoramus, but i can now appreciate it all a bit more, and have a better perspective of my silly little life...ANYWAY, after all that cliche claptrap, i'm off for a Grande, skinny, double espresso, vanilla latte. Cheerio.